<VV> Should be required Reading for commenters (No Corvair - I hope!)
Sethracer at aol.com
Sethracer at aol.com
Mon Mar 26 21:47:54 EDT 2012
Guide to being a jerk on line with your comments (Laugh, please!)
Announce Your First-ness. There is truly no greater calling than being the
first person to comment on a site with several commenters. The best way to
claim your territory is simply to post "FIRST!" (in all caps, and
preferably in an increased the font size). You will instantly earn the respect—nay,
the fear—of your so-called peers.
Hit and Run. It's a tried and true tactic for upping your own profile and
traffic: Stop on some blog that you wouldn't otherwise visit in one billion
years, make a comment, and leave. Try only to do this on posts that you
absolutely don't care about at all. There's no need to ever come back and
form any kind of bond with the original poster or subsequent commenters. Those
are people to be used and abused, and you already have friends. Probably.
Always Pimp Yourself. Leave links to your site (or better yet sites). Even
if you're anonymous—and you should be, because standing behind your
comments with your own name as if you believe in your convictions is just plain
stupid—find a way to link some URLs in every post. You can lure away the
readers so they can read something by someone truly brilliant—you. Or just
Rick Roll them. That's still a thing, we swear.
Start a New Topic. If someone writes a post about mustard, you should
steer the conversation toward ketchup. If the video in question is about the
daytime, you should be sure to point out how great the darkness is at night.
You don't have to stay on topic and other readers will thoroughly enjoy
your hijacking of the conversation.
Make Sweeping Generalizations. Commenting is, essentially, arguing. The
best arguments are those that are reduced to slap fights and that's a
scientific fact. Since you can't slap people over the Web (yet), settle for doling
out general, sweeping "facts." Our favorite here is, "You're all
Microsoft/Intel/Apple shills." (Pick one.) And of course, nothing wins an argument
faster than calling someone a Nazi or comparing him or her to Hitler. Better
yet, try suggesting they're all shills for the Third Reich.
Throw in Some Graphics. If the comment system in question allows it,
illustrate your point with, well, illustrations. Grab some art off Google, slap
on a caption that you find hilarious (and thus everyone else will, too),
and embed it in your comment. Extra points if you can get an image that's so
high-res that it breaks the webpage's entire layout.
Brevity is the Soul of Not Really Getting Your Point Across, So Write a
Long Diatribe. When you know that what you have to say is worth being heard,
there's no need to be concise. Getting right to the point is for...well, I
don't know. You're an Internet commenter, dammit, and it's your right to
take your time, no matter how much meandering and repetition ensues! If you
can take a circuitous route to the gist of the matter, all the better to
draw in the noobs, because, really, what are they going to do, go read that
copy of The Corrections that's been sitting on their shelf for ten years? No,
because they want to read what you have to say. And besides, that Franzen
guy hates ebooks, so he's a jerk, too.
Where was I? Oh, and should you lose your train of thought on the way, just
keep typing.
If you must be brief, be so concise as to say next to nothing at all. Try
"Whatever." Or "Your Stupid." [stet]
ALL CAPS MEANS PASSION. WE'VE SAID IT BEFORE, WE'LL SAY IT AGAIN: WRITING
IN ALL CAPS JUST SHOWS HOW MUCH YOU CARE.
Never Respond. No one who would try to talk to you deserves a reply. Ever.
This is doubly true if you're the author. Why would you ever want to
engage the idiots who'd dare to weigh in on what you write? Don't encourage
them.
Comment Policies Aren't Laws. Many blogs and sites have a comment policy,
such as "no personal attacks on other commenters" and "keep to the topic at
hand." These are, of course, simply guidelines, not real rules. In fact,
they are put in place by people who want to challenge you. Well, challenge
accepted. Go forth and break that policy. Break it hard. Snap it in half,
like dried twig. It's what the site proprietor really wants, especially if
they actively moderate comments. You want to challenge them right to their
stupid faces.
Don't Be Ignored. On some sites, the proprietor must approve your posts
before allowing them to go live. Don't let them get away with it. If you
don't see your pithy prose within seconds of hitting the enter button, start
inundating the proprietor with questions. Where is your post? Why didn't it
go up? How DARE YOU NOT POST IT! Patience is, after all, for suckers.
Nice is for Sissies. There's no room on the Internet to bend over
backwards to please people. You must imagine that every person who is commenting
around you is the most obnoxious loser you have ever met and needs a smack
down, which only you can provide. Also, picture them as weak and unable to
hit back. That will help you with the next step...
Flame On! Flaming on comments gets a bad wrap. Wikipedia defines it as
"hostile and insulting interaction between Internet users." Uh...duh. Next to
porn, that's the whole point of the Internet! Whether we're talking trivial
matters, like politics, or real-world issues, like how much the new iPad
will suck, the point of Internet comments is to be right, and the best way
to prove that is to scorch the earth in a flame war.
Speling Dosnt Count. If u think whals shuld live in acuariims by the see,
and more so, you believe that the first part of this sentence looks okay,
you're already an expert commenter. You probably also text while driving,
and we won't tell you to stop.
Conspiracies Aren't Just for Nuts. Look, we all know it was an Illuminati
cabal that killed JFK/Princess Di/Whitney Houston, caused Hurricane
Katrina, and orchestrated 9/11. Or maybe it was Freemasons at the Rotary Club.
Either way, Internet users NEED TO KNOW THE TRUTH. It's up to you to put on
your tin foil hat, block those mind controlling radio signals from
Washington, and get the word out. The comments section is an excellent place to warn
others that Opus Dei is keeping Area 51 hidden, even if it's at the bottom
of a YouTube video about crocheting baby-boots.
Reverse Sandwich. There's a comment technique called the "sandwich," which
goes like this: Write a compliment (bread), toss in some constructive
criticism or insights (the delicious fatty meat), and write a short follow-up
compliment (more stale bread). Sounds almost nutritious. Gross. What if you
put all that sliced deli meat on the outside, Double Down-style? Start with
a biting criticism, toss in a tiny and begrudgingly backhanded compliment
(for example: "I guess you don't completely suck donkey nards..."), then
end it with one last meat-slathered personal insult for good measure. Now
that's filling.
Curses. Swear. A lot. Kudos if you can combine two bad words into one new
one.
By the way, all of this also applies to social networks. If you can aim
such comments at people you actually call your "friends," then we bow to you,
King of Trolldom.
Back to my comments:
Of Course - It you recognize yourself above, you will ignore it! - Seth
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