<VV> Fwd: Tools and Corvair Mechanics (humor?)

[Louis C. Armer,Jr.]

Happpy Thanksgiving Y'all !!!

FrontMan

>The True Definition Of Tools
>
>DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching 
>flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the 
>chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against 
>that freshly painted automobile part you were drying.
>WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere 
>under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes 
>fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time 
>it takes! you to say,
>"Ouch...."
>ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their 
>holes until you die of old age.
>
>PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
>HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board 
>principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable 
>motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more 
>dismal your future becomes.
>VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is 
>available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to 
>the palm of your hand.
>
>OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various 
>flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the 
>grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
>
>WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and 
>motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 
>1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
>
>HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground 
>after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack 
>handle firmly under the bumper.
>
>EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a
>hydraulic jack handle.
>
>TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
>PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has a tool for 
>getting dog ****  off your boot.
>
>E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any 
>known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
>
>TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on 
>everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
>CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that 
>inexplicably has an accurately machined
>screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
>
>AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
>TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes 
>called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine 
>vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health 
>benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs 
>at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used 
>during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More 
>often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>
>PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style 
>paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be 
>used, as the
>name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>
>AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a 
>coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into 
>compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago pneumatic impact 
>wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 50 years ago by 
>someone at Chevrolet, and neatly rounds off their heads.
>
>PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or 
>bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
>HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
>
>HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
>nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most 
>expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
>
>MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of 
>cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly 
>well on contents such as seats, vinyl convertible tops, liquids in 
>plastic bottles,collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or 
>plastic parts -- also skin.
>
>DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the 
>garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also 
>the next ! tool that you will need.
>
>EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which 
>somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every 
>deficiency in foresight.

CORSA Member
CORSA Tri-membership Chairman
Corvair Atlanta Member
Corvair Atlanta BOD
Corvanatics Member
SECC Member

1965 Corsa Coupe
1964  Greenbrier
1966 Monza Convertible
1966 WTBRT #112 xcrosser 1/2 owner
http://carmerjr.home.mindspring.com/