<VV> Fwd: FW: no president

[Louis C. Armer, Jr.]

>Date: Tue, 24 May 2005 22:36:31 -0400
>To: virtualvairs at corvair.org
>From: "Louis C. Armer, Jr." <carmerjr at mindspring.com>
>Subject: Fwd: FW: no president
>
>I suspect that WessonOil was instrumental in composing this diatribe.........
>VV talk ??? or just more off subject non corvair posting?
>
>Chuck Armer
>
>
>
>
>>What if there was no President???
>>
>>
>>In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and 
>>thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of 
>>your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth 
>>II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other 
>>territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime 
>>minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85 of you who 
>>have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) 
>>will appoint a minister for America without the need for further 
>>elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire 
>>will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To 
>>aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules 
>>are introduced with immediate effect:
>>
>>1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then 
>>look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at 
>>just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be 
>>reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 
>>'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn 
>>to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.You will end your 
>>love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the 
>>suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that 
>>the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome 
>>to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct 
>>pronunciation.
>>Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up 
>>"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler 
>>noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient 
>>form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 
>>'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope 
>>with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to 
>>develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
>>
>>2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on 
>>your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account 
>>of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
>>
>>3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It 
>>really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, 
>>upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
>>You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish 
>>dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. 
>>While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such 
>>place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you 
>>persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become 
>>"shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
>>
>>4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the 
>>good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play 
>>English characters.
>>British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be 
>>re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't 
>>cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
>>
>>5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The 
>>Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you 
>>to get confused and give up half way through.
>>
>>6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of 
>>football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good 
>>game. The 2.15 of you who are aware that there is a world outside your 
>>borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You 
>>will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper 
>>football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is 
>>a difficult game.
>>Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which 
>>is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a 
>>rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like 
>>nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side 
>>by 2005.
>>You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event 
>>called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of 
>>America. Since only 2.15 of you are aware that there is a world beyond 
>>your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will 
>>be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball 
>>without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
>>
>>7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if 
>>they give you any merde. The 97.85 of you who were not aware that there 
>>is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The 
>>Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "".
>>
>>You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be 
>>allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a 
>>vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to 
>>handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish 
>>to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>>
>>8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new 
>>national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
>>
>>9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your 
>>own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 
>>All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start 
>>driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go 
>>metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion 
>>tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British 
>>sense of humour.
>>
>>10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries 
>>are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 
>>97.85 of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are 
>>not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling 
>>potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and 
>>fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which 
>>should be served warm and flat.
>>Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
>>
>>11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all 
>>tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be 
>>doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
>>
>>12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually 
>>beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter 
>>will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted 
>>provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known 
>>as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's 
>>Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser 
>>company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's 
>>Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 
>>years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
>>
>>13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you 
>>will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with 
>>the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former 
>>USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly 
>>$6/US gallon - get used to it).
>>
>>14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers 
>>or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists 
>>shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be 
>>handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without 
>>suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough 
>>to handle a gun.
>>
>>15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>>
>>Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to 
>>ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
>>
>>Thank you for your cooperation.


Corvair Atlanta, BOD
CORSA MEMBER
CORSA Tri-Membership Chairman
http://carmerjr.home.mindspring.com/