<VV> Fwd: FW: no president

[Louis C. Armer, Jr.]

I suspect that WessonOil was instrumental in composing this diatribe.........
VV talk ??? or just more off subject non corvair posting?

Chuck Armer




>What if there was no President???
>
>
>In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and 
>thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your 
>independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II 
>will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other 
>territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime 
>minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85 of you who 
>have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) 
>will appoint a minister for America without the need for further 
>elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will 
>be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in 
>the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are 
>introduced with immediate effect:
>
>1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then 
>look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at 
>just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be 
>reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 
>'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn 
>to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.You will end your 
>love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the 
>suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the 
>suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to 
>respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
>Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up 
>"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler 
>noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient 
>form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 
>'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with 
>bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop 
>your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
>
>2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on 
>your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account 
>of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
>
>3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It 
>really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, 
>upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
>You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish 
>dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While 
>we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as 
>Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist 
>in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. 
>Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
>
>4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the 
>good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play 
>English characters.
>British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be 
>re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't 
>cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
>
>5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", 
>but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get 
>confused and give up half way through.
>
>6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of 
>football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good 
>game. The 2.15 of you who are aware that there is a world outside your 
>borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You 
>will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper 
>football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is 
>a difficult game.
>Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which 
>is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a 
>rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like 
>nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 
>2005.
>You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event 
>called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of 
>America. Since only 2.15 of you are aware that there is a world beyond 
>your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will 
>be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball 
>without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
>
>7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if 
>they give you any merde. The 97.85 of you who were not aware that there is 
>a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians 
>have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "".
>
>You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be 
>allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable 
>peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle 
>potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to 
>carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
>8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new 
>national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
>
>9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your 
>own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 
>All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start 
>driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go 
>metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. 
>Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of 
>humour.
>
>10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries 
>are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 
>97.85 of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are 
>not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling 
>potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and 
>fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which 
>should be served warm and flat.
>Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
>
>11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all 
>tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be 
>doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
>
>12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually 
>beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter 
>will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted 
>provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known 
>as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's 
>Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser 
>company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's 
>Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 
>years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
>
>13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you 
>will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the 
>former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA 
>and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US 
>gallon - get used to it).
>
>14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers 
>or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows 
>that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be 
>handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without 
>suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough 
>to handle a gun.
>
>15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>
>Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to 
>ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
>
>Thank you for your cooperation.
>